Bruised And Slightly Broken
by MrsWhovian
Summary: When Iain starts to notice that something is wrong with Lily, he is desperate to help. But can he help with what she is going through? Friendship to start with, possibly more further down the line... you'll just have to read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

"Morning Lily," Iain called out as he walked towards the entrance of the Emergency Department. He frowned as Lily appeared to jump a mile in the air, arms crossed in front of her body, and her eyes scanned the car park frantically. When her eyes met Iain's, she visibly relaxed, although Iain noticed a slight tremor in her hands.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. Lily nodded, not immediately giving a verbal reply, and her eyes flicked down to the ground, before slowly looking back up to look at the worried paramedic stood in front of her.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she replied quietly, "You just made me jump."

"Sorry," Iain apologised, "I didn't mean to. I just wanted to ask if you fancied going for a drink tonight. It's been a while since we've had a good catch up!"

Lily's eyes widened momentarily. "Sorry, I can't tonight; I have work to do."

Iain chuckled. "You always have work to do. Are you sure I can't twist your arm?"

Lily shook her head, trying to force a smile that looked completely fake. "Sorry, maybe another time?"

Nodding in agreement, Iain watched as she turned away, arms wrapped round herself, and walked through the doors. Something wasn't right, and Iain wanted to know what.

* * *

Lily had avoided Iain all shift, somehow managing to be available when another crew turned up to hand over a patient, but always incredibly busy when Iain and Jez came in through the doors.

This is why Iain was now leant up against the wall, waiting for Lily to leave. He wanted to talk to her, and make sure she was okay. Something about her had been off earlier; she was never particularly open about her feelings, but she had been starting to let him in a bit lately.

Lost in his thoughts, he almost missed Lily walking past him. Snapping back to the present, he called out Lily's name, frowning as she, once again, jumped in shock, a slightly fearful look in her eyes.

Approaching her, he tried to think of how to broach the subject, deciding it was best to just come out with it.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently. "You've been really jumpy both times I've spoken to you today, and it seems like you've been avoiding me. Have I done something wrong?"

"No, of course not," Lily answered. "I've just been really busy, and both times you've seen me I was thinking about something. You just made me jump."

Iain still wasn't convinced, but he decided to accept it for now.

"Okay," he said, "But just remember that I'm here if you need a friend. Are you sure I can't convince you to come to the pub with me? Just for one drink?"

Lily glanced warily over to the pub across the road. "Sorry," she said apologetically, "I have too much to do. Thank you though. For the invite, and, you know, being… yeah."

Reluctantly, but smiling softly, Iain nodded. "You're welcome."

He held up an arm, encouraging her to step closer so that he could give her a quick hug, but Lily feigned ignorance, and walked away, once again wrapping her arms round her waist.

Iain frowned as she walked away, letting his arm drop back down to his side. Something was wrong, and he wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror if he didn't try to help.

* * *

Lily stepped through the door to her flat, locking it securely behind her. After double checking the locks were securely fastened, she walked into her bedroom. Slowly, she changed into some softer, looser clothes, wincing as every movement aggravated the bruises that were starting to form on her arms, legs, stomach and back.

* * *

 **A/N: So, here you go – My first Iain/Lily multi-chapter fic. I hope you enjoy it! Depending on where this goes, I may have to change the rating at some point, so if you are enjoying it, please add it to your alerts!**


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Lily walked into the staff room, glancing around before taking a strong painkiller and washing it down with a glass of water. When she'd woken up this morning she was dismayed to notice that the bruises had started to develop, showing a dismal smattering of colour on a previously blank canvas. However, she had to keep up appearances, and so forced herself into a pair of tailored trousers, and tucked in a long-sleeved shirt. Putting on her heeled boots was a whole other challenge.

Lost in her own thoughts, Lily flinched as Robyn and Alicia came barrelling into the room, laughing about their antics from the previous night.

"I mean, that guy was all over you," Robyn laughed, "He was not going to take no for an answer!"

"Tell me about it," Alicia replied in between giggles, "It's a good thing Iain was there to protect me!"

"Indeed, always good to have a hunky paramedic around," Robyn agreed with a wink, just as the man in question walked in.

"Morning ladies," Iain said cheerfully, throwing one arm around Robyn's shoulders, and another around Alicia's. "Should my ears be burning?"

"Nah, we were just talking about you being my knight in shining armour last night!" teased Alicia.

"It was my pleasure," Iain replied. "That guy was a bit of a creep though."

As Alicia and Robyn nodded in agreement, Iain spotted Lily leant up against the work surface in the corner of the staffroom.

"Goooooood morning Lily," Iain greeted her. He bumped his hip against hers, noticing the slight wince that Lily tried to hide. She was subtle enough that Alicia and Robyn hadn't noticed – they were already engrossed in their own conversation – but not so subtle that Iain didn't spot it. Was she injured?

"Good morning Iain," Lily replied. "Did you have a good time last night?"

"Yes, thank you. How about you? Did you get plenty done?"

Before Lily had chance to answer, Connie called the women out to the nurses station, so they could be briefed before the start of shift. Iain couldn't help but notice that Lily had stood slightly further away from everyone else than usual.

Watching Lily closely, he saw that her eyes kept drifting away from the consultant who was issuing orders, reacting to every slight noise around her. As the briefing ended, she grabbed the first file she could find, gave it a quick glance over and walked over to the corresponding cubicle. Iain turned around to have a quick chat with Ethan and Cal, when he heard a crash. Spinning around, he was alarmed to see a tray of instruments scattered across the floor, and Lily breathing heavily, hands shaking, while the patient guffawed, whilst drunkenly slurring, "It's alright love, everyone likes a bit of a tap on the ass. Don't pretend you don't like it."

Before the end of his statement, Jacob was standing over the patient, his very presence sobering him up, and Iain had placed an arm round Lily's shoulder, guiding her into an empty cubicle.

* * *

Sitting her down on the bed, he bent down slightly in front of her, watching as tears filled her eyes and her breathing got more ragged.

"Lily, I need you to breathe nice and slowly for me. You're safe; it's just you and me."

Iain reached out, taking her hands in his. He meant it to be a gesture of reassurance, but quickly let go when Lily gasped out a "No!" and pushed him away.

"Okay, okay, Lily, I'm sorry," he apologised quickly, "But I need you to concentrate on your breathing. You can do this, you are safe, and nothing can harm you here. Breathe nice and slowly, sweetheart, in and out."

Lily didn't even notice the term of endearment slip out of Iain's mouth, but the sound of his voice infiltrated through her panic, and gradually her breaths evened out, until her heart had resumed its natural, steady rhythm.

"Sorry," she whispered.

Iain shook his head. Without being conscious of his actions, he covered one of her hands with his, berating himself silently when she immediately pulled her hand away and shuffled along the bed.

"You have nothing to apologise for. That patient touched you without your permission, and that is never okay."

Lily felt tears well up in her eyes at Iain's statement. Quickly, she wiped them away and stood up, wincing slightly at the sudden movement.

"Lily, what's happened? Are you hurt? You keep wincing when you move and flinching whenever I touch you."

Lily sighed, and looked up at the man in front of her who was showing her such kindness.

"I have to get back to work," she said quietly, stepping round a confused Iain, and going back on to the ward. Iain watched her nod as Jacob told her that the drunken patient had been reassigned to Cal, and then she picked up a new file, and got on with her day.

At that point, Iain's radio crackled to life, and he jogged over to collect Jez, before heading out on his first call of the day.

* * *

Lily didn't feel right for the rest of her shift. The incident with the drunken patient first thing had really shaken her up. This is why she now found herself being summoned to Mrs Beauchamp's office.

"I'm sending you home, Dr Chao," Connie said, skipping the preamble.

"That won't be necessary, Mrs Beauchamp," Lily objected quickly. "I was just surprised by the patient earlier. I'm okay though, I can still do my job."

"I'm sure you can, and you can do so. Tomorrow. Dr Chao, you have had a shock today, and I can tell it has affected you more than you are willing to let on. Now, is there anything that you feel like I need to know?"

Lily shook her head, making one last plea to Mrs Beauchamp to let her get on with her shift, but the Clinical Lead was having none of it. And so Lily found herself in the staff room, getting her bag from her locker when Iain walked in.

"Hi Lily, how are you feeling?" he asked, making sure that she was aware that he was in the room before speaking, so as not to alarm her again.

"I am fine, thank you Iain. Unfortunately Mrs Beauchamp has decided that my opinion of my own wellbeing is not a sufficiently reliable assessment, and so she has sent me home."

"Well," Iain said, rubbing his hands together, "It just so happens that my shift is finished now, so why don't we go and grab a drink?"

Lily bit her lip, glancing to one side as she tried to think up an excuse. Before she could do so, Iain spoke again, rescuing her from having to lie to him.

"If you don't feel up to it, that's fine; you've had a tough day, whether you want to admit it or not. Can I at least give you a ride home? You haven't seemed right in yourself today, and I'd feel better knowing that you got home okay."

Knowing that he wouldn't take no for an answer, Lily silently nodded her head, and together they walked out to the car park, where Lily's chariot awaited.


	3. Chapter 3

Lily sat, fiddling with her fingers, hands resting in her lap. Iain had just turned on to her street, and would be outside her flat in a matter of seconds. She was worried. The painkillers that she had been taking all day had worn off, and she was now in a lot of pain, and her muscles felt very stiff. She wasn't sure how she was going to stand up and walk inside without him noticing that something was wrong. He did already suspect, after all. As the car slowed to a stop, she tried to put on a brave face.

"Can I walk you up?"

Lily blinked. She wasn't expecting that. She was hoping that she could just get out the car and struggle up to the flat on her own. But Iain took advantage of her hesitation, and before she knew it he was unbuckling his seat belt.

"Come on then, Chuckles."

Sighing, Lily reached across, unbuckled her own belt, and then pushed open the door, slowly swinging her legs round and leaning forward as she went to stand up. However, she froze when she heard Iain gasp. Slowly, she turned around, looking back to see Iain staring at her back. Or, more accurately, the black bruises that covered her back. Closing her eyes, she reached behind her, pulling down the traitorous shirt that had slightly ridden up, exposing the thin strip of flesh.

"Lily," Iain whispered, a slight tremor audible in his voice. "What happened to your back?"

Lily tried to fob him off with an "I'm fine," but as she tried to stand up she couldn't help but cry out in pain as her injuries prevented her from standing up unaided. Quickly, Iain got out of his car and ran around to the passenger side. He went to wrap an arm around her to help her up, but stopped himself when he remembered how she reacted to him attempting to touch her earlier in the day. He didn't know what was going on with her, but the picture that his brain was painting for him was not a pretty one. So, erring on the side of caution, he held out both hands in front of him, palms up, and watched as Lily weighed up her options, before putting her hands in his, and allowing him to help her up.

"Now," Iain said, "If you are finding it that hard to stand up, I really don't feel comfortable letting you try and walk upstairs on your own. I won't come in if you don't want me to, but please let me make sure you get there safely."

Reluctantly, Lily nodded, and so they made their way slowly up the stairs.

* * *

Lily sighed in relief as the door to her flat came into view. It had been a long and laborious journey up the three flights of stairs, and half way up she had to stop to catch her breath. Iain had been patient, never rushing her, but not forcing her to talk about the bruises that he had seen, for which she was grateful. He had simply stayed one step behind her, ready to support her when she needed it. But now they were nearly at her door, and Lily was worried about what he would say.

"Would you like to come in for a coffee?" Lily asked. She hoped he would say no, but after he'd followed her up, she felt obligated to ask.

Iain, however, simply smiled. He raised his hand to give her a friendly touch on the arm, but put it straight back down when he saw her try and stop her body from flinching away from him.

"I think we both know that you don't want that," Iain said kindly. "Go inside, get some rest, and I'll see you tomorrow. If you need me before then, ring me or text me. Any time, I'm here if you need me."

Lily nodded, a sad smile on her face. She wanted to show him her gratitude; maybe give him a hug, or at least hold his hand briefly, but the thought of any sort of physical contact made her feel sick. Instead, she just turned around, walked through her door, and quietly closed it.

Iain frowned as he heard the lock turn, and then three bolts get pulled across the door.

* * *

Inside, Lily listened as she heard Iain's footsteps fade away. Once she was sure he was gone, she let the tears fall. She thought about the patient who had grabbed her today, about the constant fear that she now felt when she was around other people, and she thought about the reason that she couldn't let Iain anywhere near her. That reason ran over and over in her head, forcing her to run to her bathroom, emptying her stomach contents into the toilet. The sudden movement aggravated every injury that she had sustained, and so, accepting that she would not be able to move again tonight, she lay on the bathroom floor, tears falling freely down her face, as her loud sobs gave way to a pained howl that would turn the blood cold of anyone who heard it.

* * *

In the living room, her answer machine clicked on.

" _Hello, Ms Chao? It's Dr Kelly from St Andrews Healthcare. Please could you give me a ring regarding the results of your pregnancy test? Thank you."_

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter – I'm about two chapters ahead at the moment, but want to try and write a couple more in the next couple of days. I don't always have time to write, so I want to have a couple of chapters in the bank for when time gets away from me! Please leave a review and let me know if you're enjoying this!**


	4. Chapter 4

_Beep! Beep!_

Lily slowly opened her eyes, and reached out to turn off her alarm. As her hand hit the tiles, she suddenly became more alert as she realised that she had spent the whole night on the bathroom floor. She didn't remember falling asleep, but she definitely had done. As her alarm continued its incessant beeping in the other room, Lily forced herself to her feet, her aching muscles and bruised body protesting more every second.

After a lot of slow manoeuvring, Lily was eventually upright, and carefully walked into her bedroom, where she turned off her alarm, then took the foil packet of painkillers, popped one out, and swallowed it dry. Almost on autopilot, she started to get dressed when her mobile pinged. Picking it up, she saw a text from Iain had just come through.

 _Morning Lily, hope you're feeling okay today. I realised after I dropped you home yesterday that you wouldn't have your bike to get in this morning. Would you like me to pick you up? I could swing by about 8.30? x_

Lily raised a hand to her mouth as she realised she was smiling slightly at the kindness that he was showing her. Without letting herself second guess her actions, she typed out a quick reply and hit send.

 _Yes please_

* * *

At 8.15 Lily was ready to go; handbag on the sofa, keys resting on top. She was trying to ease her feet into her boots when she saw the blinking light of the answering machine out of the corner of her eye. With both shoes safely on her feet, she walked over and hit 'play'.

" _Hello, Ms Chao? It's Dr Kelly from St Andrews Healthcare. Please could you give me a ring regarding the results of your pregnancy test? Thank you."_

Shaking, and moving on autopilot, Lily picked up the phone and dialled the surgery. Luckily, she had rang before morning surgery started, and Dr Kelly just happened to be in reception, and so Lily was put straight through.

" _Good morning Ms Chao, thank you for ringing me back. Now, I wanted to give you the results as soon as I got them, as I know you are anxious to know. The results came back negative. Now, obviously it is still extremely early, and so I would like you to take a home test in a week's time, and please give us a ring or make an appointment if there is anything else you would like to discuss. Is that okay?"_

"Yes, thank you," Lily said quietly, and hung up the phone, as tears rolled down her cheek. She felt ridiculous; all she seemed to do at the moment was cry. But her emotions were all over the place, and she just sat next to her bag, head in her hands, and sobbed, thanking a God she didn't believe in that she hadn't bothered putting on makeup today. Through her cries, she heard a knock at the door. Wiping her eyes, and glancing at her watch, she realised that it was just after 8.30. It would be Iain.

She walked over to the door, slid the bolts back, turned the key in the lock, and slowly pulled the door open.

Iain started to explain that he wanted to make sure she was okay walking down the stairs, which is why he came up, but the words stuck in his throat when he saw Lily's red-rimmed eyes, cheeks still damp with the evidence of tears previously shed.

"Oh, Lily," he whispered, and that was all it took for her tears to start again. For a moment she was lost in her emotions, and flung herself into Iain's arms, who, surprised, just held her close, swaying from side to side as he tried to comfort her. He was unaware of the thought process that Lily was going through, until he realised that her cries had changed to gasps, and she was struggling in his arms to get away. Immediately, Iain let go of her, but Lily was too far gone.

"No, no, get away from me, please let me go, stop, you're hurting me, stop, stop, help me, someone, help me!"

"Lily!" Iain said loudly, trying to get her to look at him. "Please, Lily, look at me. It's me, Iain, you're safe. Nobody is hurting you. You are outside your flat. It's just you and me."

Lily's legs buckled under her, and Iain made a snap decision. He scooped her up into his arms, and carried her back into her flat, kicking the door closed behind him. He placed her on the sofa, then stood back. That sequence of movements though sent Lily even further into herself.

"Noooo! Stop! Help! Help! Please! No no no no no!"

"Lily, please breathe!" Iain said loudly. He was scared now. Lily had her hands raised in the air and she seemed to be pushing away an invisible figure. As a last ditch attempt, Iain opened his phone, turned up the volume, and hit play on the first peaceful song he could find on YouTube.

As the melody of Chopin's Nocturne played in the living room, Lily's shouting quietened, and then ceased all together. As it repeated two, three, four times, she slowly wiped the tears from her face, sat straight on the sofa, and let out a big sigh. She blinked quickly, looking around her as she re-familiarised herself with her own living room, and then her eyes came to rest on Iain, who was still stood on the other side of the room. He turned off the music and put the phone in his pocket.

"Is it okay if I sit next to you?" he asked softly, not wanting to make any sudden movements or loud noises. When she nodded, he slowly sat down, careful to leave as much space between them as possible.

"Look, Lily," Iain started, running a hand through his hair. "Something has obviously happened to you, and I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but whatever this is, you need to talk to someone. You're struggling, and I'm worried about you."

Lily nodded, and without speaking, pressed play on the answering machine, as the message from earlier replayed.

" _Hello, Ms Chao? It's Dr Kelly from St Andrews Healthcare. Please could you give me a ring regarding the results of your pregnancy test? Thank you."_

Iain's eyes widened.

"Y-y-you're pregnant?" he asked in disbelief. He didn't realise she was seeing anybody.

Lily shook her head.

"But, you wanted to be?"

Again, Lily shook her head.

"I'm sorry Lily, I don't think I understand. I didn't realise you were in a relationship."

When Lily shook her head for the third time, Iain fell silent. He didn't know what else to ask.

As the silence dragged on, Iain was trying to think of something else to ask, when Lily suddenly closed her eyes, held Iain's wrist in a tight grasp, and whispered three words that broke his heart into a thousand pieces.

"I was raped."

* * *

 **A/N: So, there's the reveal - hope it was okay for you all. Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

Lily sat on the sofa, head in her hands, tears rolling down her face as she heard Iain emptying the contents of his stomach in her bathroom. As soon as she told him the secret that she had been so determined to hide, he had picked up the phone to tell Mrs Beauchamp that Lily would not be coming in today. Connie had assumed that she was still affected by yesterday's run in with the patient, and Iain had done nothing to correct her. If she was curious as to why Iain was even round at Lily's flat, let alone phoning in sick for her, she gave no inclination over the phone. It was only after he had rang his boss and feigned a mild case of food poisoning, that his face had drained of all colour. Lily had silently pointed in the direction of her bathroom, and he ran off, hand over his mouth.

* * *

When Lily eventually wiped her eyes and lifted her head, she saw Iain leant against the doorframe. He was pale, but his eyes were red. Evidently, Lily was not the only person to have been crying.

"I'm sorry," Lily whispered, "I shouldn't have said anything. I wasn't going to, honestly, but I couldn't stop it. I'm so sorry."

Iain shook his head in disbelief. "You have nothing to apologise for, Lily," he told her. "None of this is your fault."

"But, it made you sick. I shouldn't have put this on you. It isn't fair. Please, leave me to it; I can handle it on my own."

Iain slowly walked towards her, crouched in front of her and looked at her, an earnest look in his eyes.

"I am your friend," he told her, making sure she was listening. "I want to be here for you in whatever way I can be. If you honestly want me to leave, then I will, but I am worried about leaving you on your own right now, and so, if it's okay with you, I would like to stay."

Instead of giving Iain an answer, Lily suddenly whipped her head up to look at the entrance to her flat.

"Is the door locked?" she asked anxiously. "It can't be unlocked. The locks all need to be done."

Lily went to stand up, but Iain moved first, walking quickly over to the front door, and turned the key in the lock before sliding all three dead bolts home.

"There you go," he whispered softly, "All safe."

* * *

"The bruises on your back. They aren't the only ones, are they?"

Lily and Iain had been sat in silence, side by side, for nearly half an hour. The question that broke that silence caused Lily to pull her bottom lip between her teeth, thinking for a moment before shaking her head quietly.

"Where?"

"Arms, legs, stomach and back. Probably a couple of bruised ribs. Before and after he, you know, he kicked me, punched me. A lot. I was just lucky he didn't do anything to my face. That would have been harder to hide."

Iain shook his head in disbelief that she could say any of the things that happened to her were 'lucky'.

"How have you been able to hide it?" he asked. "You must have been in constant agony."

"The miracle of modern medicine," she replied with a grimace. "I went to my GP the following morning. They examined me, ran tests for STIs and pregnancy, and they gave me some strong painkillers. As long as I take them regularly I can just about grit my teeth and get through it."

"Have you reported it to the police?" Iain asked, knowing the answer before Lily shook her head.

"I just want to forget about it," she whispered. "I want to move on. No point in dwelling on it."

Iain wasn't happy with her decision; in his opinion, the scumbag deserved to be locked behind bars. However, she had already had enough control and choice taken away from her by this animal; he wasn't going to try and strong-arm her into something else against her will. And so, reluctantly, he let it go.

"Would you tell me what happened?" he queried, hoping that she would open up to him so that he could find a way to help. But Lily just shook her head again.

"No." When she saw a flicker of disappointment on Iain's face, the guilt caused her stomach to churn. But there was no way that she could bring herself to vocalise her ordeal. So, she tried to lessen the blow a little bit. "Not now, anyway. It's too raw."

At that point, Lily's stomach rumbled, and she realised that she hadn't eaten anything yet today; it had taken all of her time to get ready this morning, and so she had sacrificed breakfast. A small blush rose on to her cheeks as she saw Iain raise an eyebrow at the gurgling coming from her stomach, and he immediately got up, went into her kitchen and grabbed a cereal bar from a box that was sat on her work surface. It was late morning now, and he didn't want to give her anything so substantial that she wouldn't want any lunch. He knew he had made the right decision when Lily took it from him, gave him a small, grateful smile, and ripped open the package, immediately taking a large bite.

Iain waited for her to finish, before suggesting that she change into something more comfortable, seeing as she wouldn't be working today. She had agreed, and leant forward to take off her boots, but Iain immediately stopped her, remembering what she had said about bruised ribs, and instead bent down to take them off himself. When she was relieved of her boots, he held out a hand in a silent offer of help to stand, but Lily just shook her head, slowly doing it herself.

"Hey, Lily?" Iain said as Lily turned to walk slowly to her bedroom. She didn't turn around, but stopped still, waiting for Iain to finish what he wanted to say. "If it would be more comfortable and less painful to wear short sleeves, so the fabric isn't rubbing against your bruises, don't feel like you have to cover up on my behalf. Do whatever makes you comfortable."

Lily had nodded silently, before going into her room and closing the door behind her. Iain heard her moving around, and tried to prepare himself for what he might see when she came out.

However, no amount of mental preparation could have been enough, and he couldn't help the gasp of horror escaping him as she came out, in long jogging bottoms, and a loose short sleeved top, with dark handprint shaped bruises covering both of her arms, and grazes on her elbows.

* * *

 **A/N: I normally try and be writing two chapters ahead when I post, but I'm really busy at work at the moment and I haven't been very well lately, so I thought I'd post again today, to try and cheer myself up (I know; faultless logic!)! Haha, hope you enjoy this latest update, and I apologise in advance if my updates aren't as regular as you (and I!) would like! xx**


	6. Chapter 6

"Lily," Iain whispered, with tears in his eyes, as he reached out a hand to touch her arm. But Lily just side stepped him.

"Would you like some lunch, Iain? I don't have much in but I should have enough for a couple of sandwiches."

Sighing, Iain followed her silently into the kitchen. He watched as she slowly moved around the room, assembling the necessary ingredients in front of her. But he couldn't stop himself stepping in when she stretched up to reach for a plate, grimacing as her ribs protested. He stepped up behind her and reached up to help. But Lily didn't realise what he was doing, and as his hand skimmed hers as he reached for the plate, she jumped in alarm and let go. They both watched as the plate smashed in front of them; a small shard cutting Lily's hand.

Surprised, Lily took a step back, but jumped once more when her back collided with Iain's chest. She hadn't realised that he was that close, and immediately felt the panic rise up inside her. She knew it was irrational – Iain was her friend; he was safe; she was safe – but she couldn't control the terror that had gripped on to her erratically beating heart. As her vision blurred, she blindly pushed Iain away from her, and moved as quickly as she could into the living room, where she sat on the sofa, slowly rocking backwards and forwards, trying to calm herself down. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Iain walking towards her, and held her hand up, shaking her head.

"Please, just stay there. I can't, I, I just, it's, please, I need to breathe."

Iain did as she asked, hating that he had, however unintentionally, triggered this reaction from her. All he could do was stand and watch as she calmed herself down. He didn't know how he could help if she did let him, anyway. All he could think of was holding her hand, or rubbing her back, or stroking her hair, or just wrapping her up in a hug. None of this would help; in fact, it would just make her worse.

* * *

After ten minutes, Lily had seemingly calmed down. Iain hadn't wanted to make her feel like she was being watched, and he had gone back into the kitchen to finish making lunch. As he saw her look up at him as he reappeared in the doorway, he held up one of the plates in a silent question. Lily nodded and went to stand up, but Iain quickly asked quietly,

"May I come to you?"

He waited as she thought about it, and only after she had nodded did he slowly walk over to her, standing at arm's length to pass her the plate. Lily smiled in thanks, and patted the seat next to her when Iain started walking away from her. Cautiously, Iain sat down next to her, leaving as much space as he could.

They both ate in silence.

"Is there anything I can do?" Iain asked. "I don't like the fact that I'm scaring you. I don't mean to, I promise."

Lily stared straight forward as she considered her reply.

"Make sure I know that you're in the room. If I turn around and see you stood there, my brain immediately panics and I won't recognise it's you until it's too late. As you've realised by now, loud noises scare me, and I don't deal well with being touched. I'm hoping that will change as I come to terms with everything, but, please, be patient?"

"Of course," Iain replied. "I'll do whatever I can to help."

Lily nodded. In her mind she thought about how in the films and books, the victim would reach out, initiating physical contact, and the pair would make eye contact, silently feeling victorious in the small step towards recovery that had just been taken. But this was real life, and so she just stood up, and took a step towards the kitchen, offering Iain a cup of tea as she went.

* * *

The rest of the day passed with very few words being spoken. They had watched American comedies all afternoon on the TV, which was even able to distract Lily from her problems a little bit.

As it got closer to dinner time, Lily realised that she didn't have any food in. She had planned to go food shopping after work today, but now she hadn't gone in, and she'd had such an emotionally draining day that she just couldn't face going outside.

Luckily, Iain was, kind of, thinking along the same wavelength.

"Shall we order a takeaway?" he asked, watching her reaction. When she looked uncertain, he asked, "What are you thinking?"

"I'll have to tell them my address," she whispered, feeling foolish.

"Well, if you're okay with me going out for a bit, I'll go and pick it up. There's a chippy literally round the corner; I could go there if you want so that I'm nearby."

When Lily nodded, Iain pulled his shoes on and left the flat. He stood by the door, listening sadly as Lily immediately locked and bolted the door behind him.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Iain was back outside the door. He raised his hand to knock on the door, before remembering what Lily had said about loud noises. So he shifted the packages of food into the other arm, took his phone out of his pocket, and rang her.

He listened as he heard Lily's phone ring inside the flat, and after it rang six times, she eventually picked it up.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, concerned.

"Everything's fine," Iain replied. "I'm outside with the food, but I didn't want to bang on your door in case it scared you."

Lily hung up the phone, and a couple of seconds later Iain heard the lock and bolts being undone.

"Thank you," she whispered, as she opened the door, stepping back to let him in. She was touched that he had really taken what she had said on board, and had done his best not to scare her.

Iain walked into the kitchen, transferring the food on to plates that Lily had set up on the table. They sat down, eating in silence; scampi and chips for Lily, fish, chips and curry sauce for Iain.

Lily kept glancing at Iain; she could tell that there was something he wanted to ask. She didn't want to push him though, and so just waited for him to get his thoughts in order.

"Would you like me stay tonight?" Iain suddenly asked her. Lily took a deep breath, thinking it through.

"Thanks, but no," she replied. "I think hearing you breathing or moving about in the night would just panic me. I know I would be safe, but…" she trailed off, shrugging her shoulders.

"It's okay; I understand," Iain said, smiling softly.

* * *

And so, an hour later, they were stood at the door, with Iain getting ready to go home.

"Promise me that you'll ring me if you need me? Even if it's in the middle of the night?" Iain asked, to which Lily nodded.

"And," he continued, "You still don't have your bike. Would you like me to pick you up again for work in the morning? I start at 10 tomorrow."

Lily nodded. "Yes please. I start at 11 so I can hang around the staff room for a bit."

Plans made, Iain stepped out into the hallway.

"Well, goodnight Lily. Sweet dreams."

Lily nodded, closing the door behind him. She locked the door, bolted it, and turned back into her flat, which suddenly felt very empty. She walked through each room, making sure all the windows were closed and locked, before going into her bedroom. She took her painkillers, got changed into her pyjamas, and got into bed, leaving the main light and all the lamps on, so that no shadows would be cast that would scare her when she would inevitably wake up from a nightmare in the early hours of the morning.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed the latest chapter! Please review and let me know if you're enjoying it! I just wanted to say that if I'm reading one of your fics at the moment and I haven't been reviewing lately, then I apologise - I've been really busy at work and have just been exhausted. On top of that I haven't been feeling a hundred percent and have kind of just been getting through each day the best I can.**


	7. Chapter 7

_Head pressed against the floor._

 _Arms trapped._

" _You'll never forget me."_

 _Legs pinned down._

" _You'll think of me every time you're with another man."_

 _Gravel embedded in the arm._

" _You're so beautiful. And you're all mine."_

 _The moon reflecting off the knife._

 _The knife._

 _Blood._

Lily sat bolt upright in bed, a scream stuck in her throat, sweat dripping down the back of her neck as she fought to free her arms and legs that had become tangled up in her duvet. The sudden movement sent a spasm of pain through her body, aggravating every bruise. When she finally got her limbs free she let the tears fall. She sobbed and sobbed, not trying to hold anything back. This wasn't fair. What had she done to deserve this? Why her?

* * *

An hour later, at 5am, Lily found herself wandering round Asda, thankful that it was open 24 hours a day. At least at this time there were very few people around. She piled her trolley full of as much food as she thought she would need; she didn't feel comfortable in shops when they were busy right now, and so wanted to get everything while it was quiet.

As she approached the checkout, she was relieved to see a woman sat at the till. She pushed her trolley over, wincing slightly as her arms ached against the weight.

"Morning, hun," the cashier greeted her, "How are you doing?"

"Fine, thanks," Lily replied politely, not really wanting to be engaged in conversation.

The cashier started ringing her items through. Nothing special: bread, milk, chicken, carrots, salad, peas, chips, tuna, paracetamol, ibuprofen…

"So, what are you doing out and about so early?"

Lily blinked at the unexpected question from the woman who was scanning her items through with such efficiency. What could she say in reply? _I was raped recently and I had a terrifying nightmare. I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep so I thought I'd get my food shopping done when I knew nobody would be around, just in case there was a potential rapist hidden in the frozen food aisle._

Instead, she just shrugged, and said, "I'm a doctor."

"Ah," the cashier, who had the nametag 'Lola' replied. "Working the nightshift – I get that."

Lily just smiled politely, and continued putting the items into carrier bags. Deodorant, washing up liquid, toilet paper, crisps, pasta salad, tinned tomatoes, and so on. Eventually, all the bags were full.

"Have a good day!" called Lola cheerily.

"You too," Lily said quietly, stacking the bags up her arms as she prepared for the eight minute walk home.

* * *

Lily shut and locked her front door behind her, finally letting the tears fall down her cheeks. The combination of the pain of her bruises that were compressed against the carrier bags, and the fear of what could be in the shadows of the alleys had really taken it out of her. She quickly packed her shopping away in the fridge, freezer and cupboards, and was about to climb back into bed, when she heard her alarm go off.

Time to get up.

Sighing, she undressed, consciously avoiding looking in the mirror, and climbed in the shower. She focused on the rivulets of water rolling down her body; washing away the dirt. She allowed herself a few minutes of indulgence before quickly washing and rinsing her hair. She couldn't use soap or body wash because the pressure of rubbing herself would cause too much pain. She wanted to; she wanted to rub herself raw; she wanted to get _him_ off her; but it hurt too much. Physically, it hurt too much. Mentally, it didn't hurt enough. Instead, she turned off the water, and got out, wrapping a towel around her. As she walked back into her bedroom, she took her morning dose of painkillers before slowly starting her morning routine.

* * *

 _Do, do-do-do, do._

Lily picked up her phone, unable to stop the smile that encroached on her face when she saw the text message.

 _Morning Lily! I'm in my car out front. Are you okay walking down or would you like me to come up? Iain x_

Thankful that he had given her the option, Lily quickly sent a text back, before grabbing her handbag.

 _I'll be okay, thank you. About to walk down now, just give me a few minutes? Lily_

As she approached the front door, her phone chimed once more in reply. She quickly opened it before putting her phone in her bag.

 _Take as much time as you need. See you in a bit! Iain x_

* * *

Iain watched as Lily made her way out of the building. It had taken a while for her to make it down the three flights of stairs, and as she walked towards his car he could see her slightly limping. He quickly opened the passenger side door, not making any effort to reach out and touch her. He wanted to comfort her, but knew this wasn't the way to go about it. So instead he waited until she was sat down, closed the door the majority of the way, and waited for her to reach out and close it the rest of the way himself. He didn't know if these things were helping, but it was all he could think of: let her control what she could, and support her in instances that she found that control was out of her reach.

Iain shook his head to snap himself out of his mini reverie, and jogged around to the driver's side, opening the door and sitting down, before closing the door as gently as possible. He pretended not to notice her flinch as the door loudly clicked close. He took a deep breath to make sure his voice wasn't wobbling before he attempted to strike up conversation as he drove away.

"Morning, Lily, how are you today?"

Lily shrugged, and before she could reply, Iain was apologising.

"Sorry, sorry, stupid question, I don't know why I said that. But, well, are you feeling up to work today?"

Lily looked over at him. Iain was focused on the road in front of him, but he was gripping on to the driving wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He was anxious; he didn't know how to act around her.

"I'm okay, Iain, thank you for asking. And, yes, I am ready to go back to work. I just want to get on with my life. The past is the past, life must go on. You know the clichés."

Iain chuckled, relaxing his grip on the wheel very slightly.

"I do indeed. But, please come and find me if you need to talk? Or give me a ring, or drop me a text? You can talk to me; and it won't go any further. Not if you don't want it to."

Lily didn't reply until they were pulling into the hospital carpark. The silence had become awkward and Iain was starting to fidget in his seat.

"You don't like that I haven't reported him." It was a statement, rather than a question.

Iain pulled into a parking space, before turning the engine off and running a hand over his face.

"Whether I like it or not doesn't matter. It's your decision, and as your friend I will stand by you whatever you decide. He, whoever _he_ is, deserves to rot in hell for even laying a finger on you, in my opinion, but at the end of the day, as long as you are safe, that is all that is important to me."

Lily nodded, eyes shining.

"Thank you," she whispered, so softly that Iain almost missed it.

"Of course," he replied. He reached out to cover her hand with his, but Lily saw it coming, and busied herself with unbuckling her seatbelt and opening the door.

"See you later?" Iain asked, trying to hide the irrational twinge of disappointment. He knew Lily didn't appreciate physical contact right now, and he was frustrated with himself that, even subconsciously, he was trying to initiate it.

"Of course," Lily said, "I expect you'll have at least one callout that will bring you to us."

Iain smiled as Lily tapped the roof of the car twice, an obvious substitution for the physical contact that Iain found he was starting to crave.

Once he saw that she had safely walked into the entrance of the emergency department, he started the car and drove away, trying to think ahead to what this day could entail.

* * *

 **A/N: I've been really struggling with my anxiety and depression over the last couple of weeks, and so I've now posted as much as I have written. I'm hoping to write more soon, but the combination of my poor mental health, as well as working full time (42 hours this week, where mostly I either start at 6am, or finish at 9pm), mean it's hard for me to find time to write. So, what I guess I'm trying to say, is please be patient? Please review to let me know if you're still enjoying this – I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence at the moment! I'll try to update soon!**


	8. Chapter 8

Lily was hoping to slip in quietly, put her bag away, and get stuck straight into work. She was feeling anxious, but she was determined to make it through the shift without drawing any more unwanted attention to herself. This was, however, until she was accosted by Connie, who was seemingly waiting for her inside the entrance to the ED.

"Ah, Doctor Chao, nice and early I see. Would you step into my office please?"

Lily blinked, not saying anything in response, before trailing after her boss, who was already half way back to her office.

* * *

"Take a seat," Connie said, indicating to a chair in front of her desk. Lily sat down, hands clasped gently in front of her. She tried to exude a calmness that she wasn't quite feeling yet.

"Okay," Connie said, sitting down at her desk, opening a file and removing a piece of paper. "This is just a standard return to work meeting. Now," she continued, giving Lily a pointed glance as she tried to interject, "I know that return to work meetings are only required when a member of staff has been off for a week or more, but I wanted to make sure that you are fully fit and well. I know what you are like regarding pushing yourself, and after that altercation with the patient the other day, I just wanted to be confident that you are ready to be back."

"I'm fine, Mrs Beauchamp, but thank you for your concern." Lily tried to be polite, but even she could hear the terse tone in her voice.

Connie put down her pen, and leant forward slightly. "Is there anything you would like to discuss, Lily?"

Lily frowned. Surely Iain wouldn't have told anyone what she had told him? Would he?

"I don't know what you mean, Mrs Beauchamp. I am perfectly fine. I was a bit under the weather yesterday, and I thought that it would not be professional of me to come into work and interact with people, some of whom would have lowered immune systems, when I could be contagious myself."

"And is there a particular reason that Iain rang in for you, and then he, coincidentally, happened to be off ill himself?"

"I had happened to say to Iain that I was feeling unwell, and he thought I would push myself to go into work, as, like you, he seems to have got it into his head that I would rather put my patients well-being at risk than take a day off, and so he took it upon himself to ring in for me. It is not something that will happen again. I cannot speak for Iain's absence though; that is something that you will have to take up with him."

Connie sighed as she put away the file that was in front of her. "Okay, thank you Lily, you can carry on with your shift now."

Lily nodded, stood up and quickly left the room, thankful that Connie hadn't pushed the matter any further. However, she was still suspicious about how much Connie knew; she did ask a couple of rather probing questions.

Hoping to set her mind at rest, she quickly pulled out her phone, sending Iain a quick text, before putting her bag in her locker, slipping her phone in her pocket, and heading out to reception to pick up her first patient file.

* * *

 _Did you discuss anything that I told you with Connie?_

Iain frowned as he reread the text, again, that Lily had just sent him. Immediately, he sent her a reply.

 _Of course not. You told me in confidence. You can trust me, I promise. Why? X_

He waited, but no reply came through. Sighing, he put his phone back in his pocket as he spoke into the radio that was summoning his attention.

* * *

 _She made me have a return to work meeting, despite me only being off for a day, and asked if there was 'anything I would like to discuss'. It sounded like she knew something._

Iain couldn't help but smirk at the correct use of punctuation that Lily used; even in text messages. He sighed as he sat down in the back of the ambulance he was cleaning. It had been a busy day and it was only lunch time. He had been to the ED twice so far today, both times seeing Lily from a distance, but not able to talk to her. Considering what had gone on with her, most of which he still didn't know himself, she had seemed okay. 'Seemed' being the operative word.

Realising that he had been deep in thought for a good few minutes, he quickly typed out a reply and returned to cleaning the ambulance.

* * *

 _She probably meant nothing by it. You very rarely have time off so she was probably worried. If she knew something she would have said. Mrs B is direct. You know that. You have nothing to worry about x_

Lily let out a breath, feeling her body relax slightly. Iain was right; Connie definitely would've said something if she knew. She would have altered her workload, stuck her in cubicles, assigned Charlie to keep an eye on her. Subtly, of course, but Charlie can't be subtle to save his life, but nobody ever minds because it's Charlie and it's what he does.

Feeling her lips curl upwards in a tiny smile, she replied to Iain before walking into resus for the final part of her shift. She had a dislocated shoulder to put back in.

* * *

 _You're right. Thank you._

Iain smiled as he read her last reply, relieved that he had managed to put her mind at rest. He turned off the light in his office, thankful that his shift had finally finished, albeit an hour and a half later than it was supposed to.

He got into his car, and on a whim, decided to drive past the hospital. Satisfied that Lily's bike wasn't there, he turned around and headed for home.

* * *

 _Just wanted to check you got home safely and are doing okay x_

Lily wiped the tears that were welling up in her eyes so that she could read Iain's latest text. In all honesty, today's shift had taken more out of her than she had expected, and upon arriving home, she had got changed and curled up on the sofa, watching reruns of various shows that were on. She wasn't sure what channel she was on; she just left it on whichever one it turned on to. The background noise was reassuring to her as she let her guard down and let out the emotions that she had been refusing to acknowledge all day.

She knew Iain was expecting a reply from her, but she didn't know what to put. She didn't want to lie, but at the same time she couldn't bring herself to put across just how weak, scared and broken she actually felt. So, instead, she just went for a truth that didn't give away too much, but wasn't a lie either.

 _I'm home, just tired._

Almost immediately a reply came through. Iain had obviously been waiting for her to reply.

 _I'm not surprised. And I'm sure all the other stuff you're feeling right now that you're avoiding telling me isn't helping. You don't have to lie to me. If you don't want to talk about it, just say. Your pace, promise x_

How did he always know when she was hiding something? Lily was impressed at his ability to look past what she was telling him. It was a quality she envied. She sent him a reply, and then took a deep breath and followed up with a single letter.

* * *

 _I'm just not ready yet. I'm trying. It's hard. Thank you for being there for me. I'm going to bed now, I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow._

Iain read her message. He knew she was struggling but he was relieved that she recognised that he was there for her. He was about to put his phone down and go to bed himself, when one final text came through from Lily. It was a short text, a single letter in fact, but one that caused a smile to spread across his face.

 _X_

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I wanted to try something a little different with my layout this time by having the texts as the main focal point, and time passing through that (I don't know if I described it very well!). Sort of like snapshots of their days through text messages. I hope it worked for you all! Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

Lily forcefully closed the lid of her laptop. She felt emotionally drained. Despite what she'd been through, she'd had no desire to start going to therapy or counselling, and so had researched coping techniques and advice online. She tried to set aside a bit of time each night to read it and apply some techniques, as well as consciously using them in her day to day activities.

The last few days had gone by without anything big happening in Lily's life. As recommended by her GP, she had taken a home pregnancy test a week after their initial conversation, and was relieved to see it come back negative. That was one less thing for her to worry about.

With that fear dealt with, she tried to focus on at least some of her other fears whenever she felt strong enough. She had become more comfortable around her patients now, although with male patients she still preferred to know that there was another member of staff nearby, and had thus far orchestrated it so that she didn't have to treat anybody who had complaints regarding their, well, their genitalia, to put it clinically. She didn't think that anybody had noticed; if they had, they hadn't said anything.

Her personal life hadn't progressed at the same pace. She and Iain had met for lunch, as friends, once or twice when they were on the same shifts. She had enjoyed herself, despite still jumping at any loud noises, especially if she was sat facing the wall, with her back to the room.

She knew that Iain wanted to touch her, and that he felt guilty for wanting it. Iain's preferred method of providing comfort was a hand rubbing a back, or a hug, or even just a nudge from shoulder to shoulder. Words, in his opinion, weren't his strong point. Lily disagreed, but she couldn't find the words to tell him. She felt like she was starting to want that physical contact too, but the fear that still gripped her heart prevented her from acting on it. It wasn't like she hadn't had the opportunity; whenever Iain was near her, his hand would be positioned on a nearby surface within her reach. He constantly provided her with opportunities, but never pushing her into anything.

Putting her laptop away, she stood up, wincing slightly. Her bruises were starting to fade, but her other injuries were still causing her major discomfort. She had stopped taking the stronger painkillers three days ago, though, opting instead for just paracetamol and ibuprofen. She was all too aware of the risks of developing a dependency, and she was determined not to let it get to that stage. So, instead, she struggled on.

* * *

"No!"

Lily sat bolt upright in bed, unsure if she was woken by the contents of her nightmare, or the shout that had flown from her mouth. She looked around the room, which was still bathed in light; she still couldn't turn off her lights yet.

She could feel tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, and let them pour down her cheeks. She didn't try to wipe them away, resulting in a damp patch on her duvet within minutes.

She didn't know what to do. It was 2am, and she was scared. She didn't feel safe, and she couldn't face going back to sleep. At that moment, her phone pinged. Wiping away the latest set of tears to escape from her eyes, she picked her phone up and opened the text. It was from Iain.

 _Hey, so I'm half way through a night shift and I'm really bored. I know you're probably asleep, but just wanted to check in. Hope you're okay, I'm on shift til 6 then will be going to bed, so if you see this after 6, reply anyways and I'll get back to you when I wake up. X_

Lily tried to smile about the fact that he was obviously thinking about her, but instead she just started crying again. She debated whether to reply or not – if she did he would only worry that she was up so late. But she remembered what he had told her several times: that he was there for her any day, any time. So, before she could talk herself out of it, she replied.

 _I'm awake x_

Almost immediately her phone rang, Iain's number flashing up on the screen.

"Lily, it's Iain. Why are you awake? Are you okay?"

Lily took a second to compose herself before replying.

"I'm fine, just had a bad dream."

She could hear Iain sigh as her voice noticeably cracked, emotion welling up inside her again.

"Lily, do you want me to come round?"

She started to shake her head, but realised that he couldn't see her.

"No, you're working."

"It's quiet, we're third on call tonight, and it's quiet, so we've only had one run out, which turned out to be an elderly lady who had fallen over. We picked her up, dusted her off, and she didn't even need to leave her house. Besides, you don't live far; I can jump in my car and be there in under ten minutes."

Lily looked around her bedroom. The sheets were all twisted from her tossing and turning, the combination of the main light and the several lamps meant her room had a resemblance to the Blackpool illuminations, and it was warm, due to all the windows being locked. Making a snap decision, she replied to Iain, who she realised had been silently waiting on the other end of the phone.

"Okay."

"I'm on my way, I'll see you in a few."

As Iain hung up the phone, Lily heard his car door close in the background. Hanging up on her end, too, she immediately went into the bathroom to wash her face, trying to get rid of the tear tracks that betrayed the calmness that she would aim to portray upon Iain's arrival.

* * *

 _Stomp. Stomp. Stomp._

Lily's heart began to race as she heard heavy footsteps getting louder and louder. It sounded like they were coming straight to her door.

Then they knocked. Immediately Lily felt herself start to shake, and she tried to hold her breath so that whoever was on the other side of the door wouldn't know she was in. Although, if they didn't know she was a doctor, of course they would assume she was in at 3am. She felt herself starting to get upset again when she heard a soft voice coming through the door.

"Lily, it's me, Iain. Sorry, I forgot that it's better to ring you instead of knocking. Please open the door, I promise, it's just me."

Slowly, and with shaking hands, Lily moved to the door, unlocked it, and pulled it ajar. When she looked through the gap and was satisfied that it was, indeed, Iain, she opened it fully, standing back to let him in.

Iain stepped through the door to look at the woman stood in front of him. She was wearing a vest top and long pyjama bottoms. The bruises were starting to fade and the grazes on her elbows were starting to scab over, but they still looked painful. She was stood with her head tucked down, refusing to meet his gaze, and her hands were clasped in front of her.

"Shall we sit down?" Iain asked gently, to which she nodded and walked over to the kitchen table. He followed her, and sat opposite her, resting his hands in the centre of the table.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked after a few minutes of waiting for her to calm herself down.

Lily shrugged. "I don't know. It's obviously not helping for me to bottle it all up, but I don't know if I can."

"Would you like to try?"

"I think so," Lily replied, running her hand through her hair, dishevelled from her restless sleep.

Just as she was about to say something Iain's phone rang. He went to turn it off, but saw that it was Jez calling him.

"I'm sorry, I have to take this."

Lily nodded and Iain answered the call. Lily could get the gist of what Jez was saying from Iain's responses, and so wasn't surprised when Iain, apologetically, told her that he had to go.

"Listen," Iain said. "I normally wake up after a night shift around lunchtime. Would it be okay for me to come back round then? We could talk properly without any interruptions."

Lily nodded. It was her day off, and, obviously, she had no intention to go outside. Part of her was looking forward to spending the afternoon with Iain.

"Okay," Iain said, "I'll text you when I'm on my way over, alright?"

"Okay," Lily whispered, "Drive safely."

And with that Iain rushed out the door to his next call out.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed the latest chapter. I'm trying to find a balance between moving the story along, but not making it seem unrealistic for the storyline. I do kind of have a plan, so I hope you aren't getting bored! Please review and let me know!**


	10. Chapter 10

_Is it still okay for me to come over? X_

Lily nibbled her lip lightly as she read Iain's text. It was just after 1pm, and Lily had spent the morning giving her flat a good spring clean. Every surface was now gleaming. She hadn't gone back to bed after Iain's middle of the night visit, and being so active for so long had tired her out. However, she was looking forward to seeing him, even though she knew that he would want to talk about what had happened.

The urge to see him outweighed that fear, though, and so she quickly replied to him. Almost straight away, her phone beeped with a reply.

 _On my way, see you in ten minutes x_

* * *

Lily grabbed her phone as soon as it started ringing, accepting the call and uttering a greeting as soon as she saw Iain's name flash up on her screen.

" _Hi Lily, I'm just coming up to your floor now, I'll be with you in a few seconds."_

"Okay, I'll unlock the door," she replied, slowly walking over to the door and hanging up the phone. She reached her hand out to undo the locks, but froze when she heard footsteps.

 _It's just Iain, don't be ridiculous,_ she told herself, but the other part of her started wondering, _what if it isn't?_

She could sense the person on the other side of the door waiting, and although logically she knew that it would be Iain, she realised that she just couldn't take the risk.

Thankfully, the person on the other side of the door decided to break to stalemate.

"Hey, Chuckles, I thought you were opening the door?"

Sighing in relief, Lily quickly unlocked the door and pulled it open, stepping back to let Iain in. She closed the door behind him and refastened the locks.

"Sorry," she said quietly. "I, erm,"

Iain waited as she trailed off, but when he realised that she wasn't intending to finish her sentence, he gestured towards the living room and raised an eyebrow in question. Lily nodded and led the way. She sat down at one end of the sofa, waited for Iain to sit down, and then patted the seat next to her when he made no indication that he was going to choose for himself.

Iain hesitantly sat down next to her on the sofa, turning his body towards her as she tucked her feet underneath her as she curled into the corner of her end of the sofa.

"So," Lily said, swallowing nervously as she broke the silence, "How was the rest of the night shift?"

"Not too bad," Iain replied, smiling at the effort Lily was making to diffuse the tension that had unexplainably arisen since they had sat down. "The call out Jez called me to when I was here was for a woman who had gone into labour at home but was losing blood as well. We managed to stabilise her and get her to the hospital. She had a beautiful baby boy who she named Joseph. Joey for short."

"So, a 'Friends' fan, then?" Lily asked, a slight smile appearing on her face.

"Exactly," Iain said, letting out a laugh. "After that, we had a couple of drunken injuries, but nothing serious."

Lily nodded, aware that a silence was falling over them once again.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" she asked, interrupting Iain when he opened his mouth to ask a question.

Iain smiled softly. "I'm okay, thanks, but you go ahead if you want one."

Shaking her head, Lily shuffled backwards, almost as if she were hoping to be swallowed up by the black cushions surrounding the sofa.

* * *

"So, do you want to talk about the nightmare that had you awake at 2am this morning?"

Iain's voice cut through the silence that had fallen once again. He watched as Lily gnawed on her lip – a nervous habit that she had adopted recently – before taking a breath to answer him.

"It was about what happened," she stated, looking up at him through her lashes to see if he would say anything. When he didn't she looked back down and continued. "It was about the worst parts."

"The worst parts?" Iain echoed, a worried look in his eyes. What happened that meant that she could rate how bad separate components of it were?

Tears welled up in Lily's eyes, and he could see that she was struggling to maintain her composure.

"Actually, I will take that cuppa if it's still on offer."

Iain watched Lily visibly relax in front of him as he made the request. She stood up quickly, trying to hide a wince as her hand ghosted over her stomach, and then she quickly disappeared into the kitchen.

* * *

"Does he know where you live?"

The question surprised Lily. Of everything that she had prepared herself to be asked, this wasn't something she had considered. She frowned, confused, and Iain nodded before explaining himself.

"It's just because you won't open the door unless you know who's on the other side of it, you have three deadbolts as well as a Yale lock, and you panicked when I suggested getting a takeaway delivered the other day."

"You're very observant," Lily stated. When he didn't reply, she realised that she would have to answer his original question. "I'm not sure. He went through my bag, but nothing was missing. My driving licence was in my purse, but I don't know if he saw it."

"And you feel safe being here on your own?" Iain asked incredulously.

"No," she whispered, "But I feel safer here than if I had to go somewhere else. At least here I can lock all my doors and windows."

"But how do you relax?"

"I don't!" she exclaimed tearfully. "I never relax! I constantly think about him raping me, and holding me down, and covering my mouth so I can't scream, and cutting me so I always have a reminder!"

Iain watched as she dissolved into tears, but couldn't stop himself from reaching out to pull her into his arms.

But Lily quickly pushed him away, got up off the sofa and disappeared into her bedroom.

Swearing under his breath, Iain quickly followed her, resting his forehead against the door that had been closed in his face.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm so sorry Lily. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have reached for you like that, and I shouldn't have pushed you to talk about it when you weren't ready."

Unbeknownst to him, Lily had adopted exactly the same position on the other side of the door.

"I shouldn't have run," she said softly, reaching up a hand to touch the door. She wanted to open the door but, at this moment, she couldn't.

"It isn't your fault," Iain stated. "None of this is your fault. You told me not to touch you, and I did it. I had no right to do that. I'm so sorry. Please tell me how I can make it right?"

Iain stepped back as Lily slowly opened the door. He watched as she looked into his eyes, swallowed nervously and lifted her left hand.

She gently ran her fingers over the back of Iain's clenched fist, waiting as he relaxed, and then withdrew, gesturing back towards the sofa, where they adopted their former positions.

"What would you like to know?" she asked.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry, I'm ending it there! I'm going on holiday this weekend so I won't be updating for at least two weeks, but I wanted to leave you with something to tide you over! Please leave me lots of reviews to read when I get back to England! See you soon!**


	11. Chapter 11

"Iain?"

Iain blinked as he heard Lily whisper his name, a slight frown forming across her tired features. He had been contemplating her question. What did he want to know?

Well, the short answer was everything. He wanted to know everything that had happened so that he could help her heal, and could stop scaring her, however unintentionally. But he knew that he couldn't just ask her to tell him everything. He had to start smaller.

"Where did it happen?"

Lily nodded as she considered her answer.

"In an alley about ten minutes away from the hospital. It had been a nice day so I had walked to work. He grabbed me."

"Do you have to go by that spot after work then?"

"Thankfully, no. It's just a footpath. I can't go down there with my moped, and I'm not walking to work right now."

Iain nodded, rubbing his eyes. Despite having a few hours sleep, he was still tired from his night shift. Lily was observant; she obviously noticed the movement.

"Go home, Iain. Get some sleep. You're exhausted and shouldn't have to stay here instead of catching up on much needed rest."

"I'm fine," Iain protested through a yawn, causing Lily to let out a little laugh, in turn, making Iain smile at the sound he hadn't heard in a while.

"You aren't fine. How are you going to be able to drive the ambulance tomorrow if you're overtired?"

"No," Iain protested. "I'm not just going to leave you; that would be rude."

"Well," Lily started, before stopping to consider what she was about to say next. "You could stay here and just have a nap for a couple of hours? You could just lie on the sofa; see if you can get a bit of sleep."

"Won't that make you uncomfortable?" Iain asked, noticing that he now seemed to be considering Lily's hesitant suggestion.

"I don't think so," Lily said; softly, as if simply thinking aloud. "I mean, I'll be awake, so I'll know you're here. I think it should be okay. If it isn't, I'll wake you and we can rethink."

Iain nodded in reluctant agreement. He was only now noticing that his eyes were heavy; the length of time his eyes remained closed during each blink was lengthening.

"Okay," he said. But I want you to promise me that you'll wake me up the second you start feeling uncomfortable."

Lily agreed, and stood up to grab a blanket and a pillow out of her wardrobe. Within a couple of minutes the sofa was turned into a makeshift bed.

"What are you going to do?" Iain asked. He hoped that she wasn't going to sit and watch him sleep, but at the same time he wouldn't tell her that in case keeping an eye on him was the only thing that would keep Lily calm.

"I have some reading to do," she replied. "My books are in my room so I'll just go in there." She shrugged her shoulders, trying to show that she was at ease with the situation, but her eyes gave her away. But she was determined, so Iain didn't bring it up, instead pulling the blanket up to his waist and twisting into the sofa, trying to find a comfortable position.

"Erm, okay then," Lily said, wringing her hands as she dithered in the doorway. "I'll wake you in a couple of hours?"

"Thanks," Iain said, already feeling his eyes closed. Just before sleep took him away, he heard Lily stepping into her bedroom, and the creak of the door as she carefully closed the door, making sure to leave it slightly ajar.

* * *

"No! Let go! Help! No! No no no no no! It hurts! Stop!"

Iain's eyes shot open as he leapt to his feet. Blinking the sleep from his eyes, he took a second to orientate himself, and felt his heart drop into his stomach as he realised what had woken him.

Lily continued to shout and scream, the terror in her voice shooting through Iain like a bullet, and causing him to propel himself into her bedroom.

Lily was slumped to the side in her bed; she must have dozed off whilst sat up in bed. The book "Principles of Anatomy and Physiology" by Gerard J. Tortora was open on the floor.

"No!"

Lily twitched in her sleep, tears leaking out between her closed eyes.

Without thinking, Iain walked over, sat on the bed and ran a finger across her cheek, swiping away the tears as they fell. He hoped that the gentle touch might register in her subconscious. And it did, but not in the way he was hoping. She let out another shout and twisted away, legs kicking slightly. She was still in the grips of her nightmare. As she twisted, her top shifted slightly, and Iain thought he saw a vertical cut on her stomach. Self-inflicted? He hoped not. Another shout broke him out of his reverie.

"Lily, wake up!" Iain was panicking now, and reached out to grab her flailing arms that were getting ever closer to his face.

The screaming stopped.

Lily's eyes snapped open, and she froze, her chest heaving as her breathing got shallower and quicker. Hyperventilating. Immediately her eyes flitted down to where Iain's hands were wrapped around her wrists, and he let go as if he'd been burnt. He opened his mouth to apologise, but the words died in his throat as he saw the look in her eyes.

Lily turned on to her side, curling into a tight ball. Her body trembled as the tears silently fell.

"What can I do?" Iain whispered, desperate to put this right. He couldn't believe that he had grabbed her like that, and especially when she was asleep.

Lily lifted her head, coldness in her expression as she quietly, but assertively, said one word.

"Leave."

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry about the long wait between updates! I was on holiday for a couple of weeks, then I've been crazy busy at work. Hopefully I'll be able to start updating more regularly now. Please review to let me know if you're still enjoying it!**


	12. Chapter 12

Lily's body shook. She had stopped crying hours ago, but her breathing was still ragged, and every so often a sob would escape from her mouth, despite there being no tears left to produce. She felt physically and emotionally drained.

Iain had hesitated when she told him to leave, but had known better than to argue the case. She listened as he left her flat, and as soon as the door closed she got up to lock it, before turning and getting straight back into bed; assuming her earlier position. As soon as she had done so, the tears started to fall as she thought about what had happened, and the conflicting thoughts and emotions that went with it:

She had been having another nightmare, about the rape. He had been holding her down; gripping her wrists, when all of a sudden the grip felt even more real. She had woken up and been confused for a moment. It had taken a few seconds to realise that it was Iain in front of her, and not her attacker. And, for the first time in a while, she actually felt scared of Iain. Then she immediately felt guilt, because Iain had only ever looked out for her.

But, she had told him not to touch her. And, not only did he touch her, he grabbed her. Around the wrists. While she was dreaming about being raped.

But what if he didn't know that she was having a nightmare?

Of course he knew. She was shouting and screaming and thrashing about.

But maybe he didn't know what the nightmare was about?

Maybe he didn't know the specifics, but it wouldn't take a genius to guess the general topic.

Was she right to be angry?

Yes.

No.

Maybe?

* * *

Lily spent the rest of the evening in bed, the thoughts flying around her head at lightning speeds. It was only when the sounds coming from her stomach became too loud to ignore that she decided to get up and make some dinner.

As she walked through her living room, she saw the notification light on her phone flashing. Picking it up, she saw that she had eight text messages from Iain, as well as a missed call.

Unable to resist, despite knowing that she could probably guess the contents, she opened them.

 _Lily, I'm so sorry. I know you're angry right now, and you have every right to be, but please could you ring me when you are ready so I can apologise properly? Iain x_

 _I honestly didn't mean to scare you. I was worried you were going to hurt yourself. I just wanted to wake you up from what sounded like a horrific nightmare, but the way I did it was obviously wrong. Please call me? Iain x_

 _Lily, you're starting to scare me now, please just let me know you're okay. Iain x_

 _Okay, I understand, you're angry with me, but the radio silence is scaring me. Please text me. Iain x_

 _Just a blank text? You don't have to even put anything if you're that angry with me. Iain x_

 _I'm starting to picture worst case scenario. I'm worried you had a panic attack, blacked out, hit your head and are now bleeding on the floor. Call me. Text me. Anything. Iain x_

 _Lily? It isn't fair to scare me like this. Iain x_

 **One missed call from Iain Dean.**

 _For God's sake Lily, answer the phone! Ring me back or I'll have to come over._

Lily dropped the phone, stepping back as the panic set in. That last message was sent twenty minutes ago. The increasing anger in his texts terrified her. Now she really was scared of the man who she thought would protect her. What if he came over? He was angry. He might hurt her.

Lily sank to the floor, struggling to draw breath. He knew where she lived. He knew it was her day off. He knew she'd be home. He was strong enough to break down the door.

As the panic attack took hold, and her vision started to blur, a sound pierced through the fog in her mind.

 _ **Ring… ring… ring…**_

Lily groped blindly for her phone, and could just make out Iain's name on her screen.

What should she do? If she answered, he would shout. If she didn't, he would come over and shout at her in person. Over the phone was better. Hesitantly, she swiped the screen to accept the call. Immediately she heard Iain's voice down the phone.

" _Lily? Lily I'm sorry about the texts, but I was getting worried. Are you okay? Can I come over so we can talk? I get that you're probably angry but I was just scared. It was a lapse in judgement."_

Lily listened to his voice, noticing that it didn't calm her like it used to. The silence seemed to stretch on and on, until Iain's voice pierced the silence again.

" _Lily? Are you there? Please say something."_

Concentrating hard on making her voice sound normal, Lily took a slow, deep breath before answering Iain.

"Leave me alone."

She didn't even wait to hear his protests, before she hung up the phone, and crawled into the bathroom to throw up the minimal contents of her stomach.

* * *

 **A/N: So, I'll be honest, this fic is going off in its own direction now! I had a plan for how I wanted it to go, but the story had its own ideas! So, as soon as I work out where to go next, I'll update. Please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

The week that followed had been hell for both Lily and Iain. They had been avoiding each other like the plague at work, and people had started to notice. And so Cal, in all his infinite wisdom, had decided to do something about it.

"Hey, Iain mate?" Cal called as Iain walked across reception, having just handed over his last patient before the end of his shift.

"Yes Cal, what can I do for you?"

"Well," Cal said, thinking on his feet, "I have a meeting in a couple of minutes, but I said to Charlie that I'd grab some more dressings from the supply closet and I completely forgot. Would you mind grabbing them for me?"

Iain frowned. "Is there nobody else? What about Louise or Robyn?"

"No, they're both with patients."

Reluctantly, Iain agreed, and headed over to the cupboard that Cal indicated, stepping inside. Immediately the door slammed closed, the lock clicking as it turned, and he heard a shocked gasp. Turning around, he was surprised to come face to face with Lily, holding a stack of dressings. A picture quickly started to form in Iain's mind, when a smug voice drifted through the door.

"Now, you two aren't getting out of here until you sort out whatever argument you've had. I'm serious; kiss and make up."

Iain ran a hand through his hair, immediately realising how scared Lily must currently be feeling.

"Cal, open the door," he said firmly. "You don't understand the situation; you have to unlock the door now."

When no reply came, he closed his eyes and composed himself, before turning back around to face Lily.

Looking into her wide, brown eyes, he whispered the first word he'd said to her in over a week.

"Hi."

* * *

Lily could feel her whole body shaking as she tried to put as much distance between herself and Iain as was physically possible in such a small space. Fear filled every corner of her mind; a combination of being locked in a room, and being locked in a room with Iain.

Unable to verbally reply, she just nodded a silent greeting, wrapping her arms around her waist, which caused Iain to frown: she hadn't done that around him in a while.

"I know it's hard to believe right now," Iain said calmly, knowing he had to calm Lily down, "But I am not going to hurt you. I was never going to hurt you when I was texting you, or when I held your wrists during your nightmare. Looking back now, I completely understand how my actions and words looked threatening. But I promise, my actions were misjudged, not malicious."

Seeing the tension ease slightly from her shoulders, Iain continued, keeping the same calm tone to his voice.

"All I want to do is look after you in any way that you'll let me. If that's how it was before I screwed up, or just over the phone, or simply by me keeping my distance, I will do whatever it takes to help you feel safe again."

Lily could feel the fear start to leave her body. She'd done a lot of thinking over the last week, and had come to terms with the fact that he had just acted on instinct, however misguided, and wasn't trying to hurt her. After all, she knew what someone's actions were when they were trying to hurt her, and Iain didn't fit that profile.

She allowed herself another minute to make her mind up, before saying three words to the man in front of her who had been waiting patiently, calmly, silently.

"I missed you."

* * *

Immediately Iain felt all the tension of the last week leave his body as Lily's words left her mouth. All he wanted to do was scoop her up in a hug, but he knew that was the last thing that she would want, and he was, after all, still skating on very thin ice. So, instead, he settled on a soft smile.

"I've missed you too Lily. And I'm so, so sorry about how I acted."

"It's okay," Lily replied. "I know you were doing what you thought was best."

"What can I do to make it up to you?" Iain asked, desperate to right his wrongs.

"Well," Lily said, considering her answer, "I'm panicking a bit about being locked in here, so can you help me stay calm?"

Iain nodded immediately. That was definitely something he could do.

* * *

So, half an hour later, that was how they ended up sat side by side in the small storage closet, taking it in turns to add one line to a story that had started off with a little girl and a green balloon, and was currently discussing a dog that could only bark in a certain rhythm, running off to join the circus.

Iain was thinking about the next line he could add, when he felt movement over his hand, which was resting on the floor. Subtly glancing down, he couldn't help but smile when he saw Lily had moved her left hand, and lightly placed it over the back of his right one. He looked up at her face, watching as the fear gave way to nerves as she looked straight ahead. He kept watching her until the nerves had left her face completely, and a neutral expression graced her features. At that point, he slowly turned his hand over under hers, his eyes never leaving her face as he looked out for any signs of discomfort. Instead, her expression remained unchanged as she lightly weaved her fingers in between his. Rather than fully grip her hand back, Iain kept his fingers slack, allowing only his thumb to lightly stroke over the back of her hand.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Cal opened the door to find them in exactly the same position; silently staring forward, hands lightly interlocked between them.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in so long! My laptop died on me before Christmas, and I only got Microsoft installed on my new one today, so I haven't been able to write before now! I hope this makes up for it though and you're still interested in this story!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: IMPORTANT – PLEASE READ. This chapter is slightly shorter than my others, but it also contains a storyline about the specifics of rape. I've tried to be as sensitive to the subject as possible, but if this is something that affects and/or triggers you, please don't read this, and feel free to message me with any questions.**

* * *

 _I'm outside. Iain x_

Lily slowly opened the door, peering around, refusing to open the door until she saw Iain on the other side. Stepping aside, she let him step through, before closing and locking the door securely behind him.

After Cal had let them out, they had gone their separate ways to continue their shift, but had arranged for Iain to come round to her flat after work, and he had stopped off for a takeaway on the way.

Taking the food off him, and setting it down in the kitchen, she led him into the living room and invited him to sit down.

* * *

Iain smiled when he realised that she was pointing to the seat next to her, rather than the armchair opposite. Sitting down, he placed his hand exactly halfway between them, and watched as Lily loosely linked their little fingers together.

"How are you doing?" he asked, hoping that he'd get an honest answer.

Lily frowned slightly as she considered exactly how truthful to be.

"I'm better than I was yesterday," she started, "But I can't guarantee that I'll be better tomorrow than I am today."

Iain nodded, not feeling the need to answer that response verbally.

"Are you sure you feel comfortable, with me being here?" Iain asked, still unsure.

Lily chewed at her lip, before answering.

"Yes, Iain, I'm sure. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I just find it hard to distinguish between care and threatening behaviour at the moment."

"I know that I behaved in a way that looked threatening, but I promise that I would never purposefully hurt you. I'm so sorry that I put you through even more pain that you should ever have to deal with."

Lily nodded. "I know that now. I'm trying to retrain my brain, but it's going to take time."

Iain nodded, smiling gently, before bending his little finger that was linked with Lily's, hoping to emulate the squeezing of a hand on a smaller scale. More than anything, he wanted to fully take her hand in his, but that wasn't something she was comfortable with; at least not today, and he didn't want to push her into something that she didn't feel safe doing.

* * *

They sat in a comfortable silence, until Lily asked the question that she had asked several days ago, which had led to the events that meant they hadn't spoken in over a week.

"What would you like to know?"

This time, Iain didn't want to ask specific questions.

"I'd like to know whatever you're willing to tell me."

* * *

Lily paused for a few moments as she considered her options.

Closing her eyes, she pulled her hand away from Iain's, pulling her knees up to her chest.

"I want to tell you what happened."

* * *

 _Lily was tying her coat around her as she left work. Glancing both left and right, she crossed the road on to the public footpath opposite the hospital, and started heading home._

 _She was deep in thought about a patient that she had handed over to Alicia; had she ordered the right tests, or missed a detail that might have been important?_

 _She didn't notice the man stood in the alleyway until it was too late, and he grabbed her wrist, covered her mouth, and dragged her into the darkened walkway._

 _He forced her on to the floor, before punching her in the stomach; knocking the wind out of her._

 _Eyes watering, she nodded as he made her promise to stay quiet. She didn't want him to carry out the threats to the women she worked with that he made if she made even the slightest sound._

 _She kept her word._

 _She didn't let out even a whimper as he kicked her, spat on her, hit her, before dragging her along the uneven, gravel pathway behind a set of bins._

 _She cried, but didn't cry out, as he pulled up her skirt, and pulled down her tights as he wrapped his hands tightly around her wrists, bit her lower lip, and invaded her body in the worst way possible._

 _She stayed silent as he pressed his hand against her throat, pushing into her until he was done, when he punched her body over, and over, and over again._

 _And she didn't make a sound when he-_

* * *

"What happened, Lily?" Iain asked gently, as she paused in her story.

Instead of answering, Lily simply stood up. Facing Iain, with tears rolling silently down her cheeks, she closed her eyes and lifted her shirt slightly, exposing her stomach to the man in front of her.

Presented on her stomach in the form of angry, red, scars, made by a sharp blade, was just one word; four letters.

 **USED**


	15. Chapter 15

Lily couldn't help but feel a sense of déjà vu, as she stood in the middle of the living room, listening to Iain being sick in her bathroom. After showing him the scars on her stomach, Iain had closed his eyes, trying to display a calm front, despite the fact that his fists were clenched, his entire body was shaking, and the occasional tear was leaking out from between closed lids.

Realising that he wouldn't be able to compose himself, Iain quickly took himself to her bathroom, emptying the contents of his stomach into her toilet.

Tears ran down Lily's face as she heard him sobbing, and she quickly walked into the kitchen to boil the kettle, almost as if she was trying to grant him some privacy from two rooms away.

She couldn't help but feel guilty. She knew it sounded ridiculous, but Iain would be happily living his life right now if it weren't for her. She thought about how he had been there for her, while she poured piping hot water over the two teabags nestled in the bottom of her Winnie The Pooh themed mugs; Piglet for him, Eeyore for her.

As she carried the steaming mugs through to the living room, she heard the toilet flush and the water flowing out of the taps as Iain freshened up. She couldn't help but stare as he came out; eyes red-rimmed, and hands still trembling slightly. As he quietly sat down next to Lily, accepting the mug she held out to him, he couldn't help but frown as she whispered an apology.

"What on Earth could you be sorry for?" Iain asked incredulously.

"Well, if I hadn't let myself get raped, you wouldn't have to deal with all this."

Lily couldn't help but shrink back slightly as Iain jumped to his feet.

"Are you even hearing what you're saying?" he asked loudly, causing Lily to curl up, her eyes betraying the fear that was suddenly building up.

As Iain saw her starting to tense up, he forced himself to stop pacing, and sat down, choosing to sit opposite, instead of next to, Lily.

"Sorry," he muttered, running a hand through his hair, "But you mustn't say things like that. You did not let yourself get raped. An evil man forced you to be the victim of a horrible crime. You are not responsible for any of that; the onus is entirely on him. And none of this is happening to me. Yes, it's upsetting, and yes, I hate hearing about it, but that's the extent of it. I'm hearing about it. You lived it, and more importantly, you survived it."

Lily nodded.

"I guess I didn't see it like that," she admitted. "I just thought that I didn't fight enough, or shout loud enough."

Leaning forward, he held his hands out, waiting for her to nod before loosely placing them over her own.

"You did what you needed to do to survive. If you'd fought more, or shouted, he could have caused even worse injuries, or, God forbid, he could've killed you. Lily, you're alive, and I know you're hurting in every way possible, but you are still putting one foot in front of the other, and that is because _you did what you had to do_. And I am so proud of you. I know that it's hard, and I know you're constantly battling against your own thoughts, and fears, and anxieties, but you're talking to me, and you're working, and you're getting out of bed every day."

Lily nodded her head, smiling slightly as tears welled up in her eyes. She'd never seen it that way, and hearing Iain talk about her like that actually made her sit up straighter, like she'd got a tiny bit of strength back.

Taking out one hand from in between Iain's, she moved it to on top of his, so his hands were now loosely enclosed in hers.

"Iain," she whispered hesitantly, "I, erm, we,"

"It's okay," he whispered, not wanting her to say anything she wasn't ready to say.

"No, I want to ask you something," she said, nodding firmly. Gathering her courage, she took a deep breath. "Would you like us to be an Us?"

Iain blinked. He wasn't expecting that question. "I, well, Lily…" he trailed off.

Taking her hands away, she looked down at her feet, an embarrassed flush rising into her cheeks.

"Sorry, of course you don't. Just forget I said anything."

"No!" Iain replied quickly. "Listen, that is definitely something that I would want. I really like you, and I feel like we have a really good connection, but I don't want you to feel like you have to push yourself because of me."

"I know," Lily said, "I just want you to know that I want to get better, and I would like to, hopefully, start some sort of, something, with you when the time is right. It might not be for a while though. Is that okay?"

Trying to ease the tension slightly, he leant forward, whispering conspiratorially, "Why, Lily Chao, are you asking me out on a potential, hypothetical, future date?"

A tentative smile adorning her face, Lily chuckled quietly. "I guess I am," she replied. "Are you saying yes?"

Looking her directly in the eyes, Iain answered.

"Dr Chao, it would be my honour."

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you've enjoyed this latest chapter. Sorry about the gap in updating again, I've been working 40+ hour weeks for the last three weeks, starting at 6 and 7am most days so I just feel permanently exhausted. I hope this makes up for it! I'm trying to start moving the story forward a bit, but still keep it at a pace that is realistic. I hope I'm doing okay and it isn't starting to get boring! Please review and let me know!**


	16. Chapter 16

Lily woke up the next morning feeling relatively calm. She'd only had one nightmare during the night, and when it had woken her up, she thought about her afternoon with Iain, which immediately helped to calm her down. Telling him about her rape had actually lifted a weight off her shoulders, and when she had woken up, she actually felt comfortable with texting him to tell him what had happened. Before he had left, he had told her to text anytime, assuring her that if he was asleep, she shouldn't worry about waking him up, and that he would reply as soon as he woke up and saw it. So, she did as he asked, and texted him to let him know.

 _Hi, just had a nightmare. Not sure what to tell you, but you said to text if I wanted to. So I had a nightmare, but knowing I could tell you makes me feel a little better. See you at work tomorrow. L x_

* * *

Iain woke up as his alarm went off, and checked his phone when he saw the notification light blinking. He quickly read Lily's text, his heart sinking when he realised that she had actually reached out to him, and he hadn't heard it come through. He immediately sent a reply before getting ready for work.

 _Hi, I'm so sorry I didn't hear this come through. How are you this morning? Would you like me to pick you up for work? I'm planning to leave in about forty minutes, so if you would like that, just let me know. I won't be going out of my way, so don't even think about that. I x_

Iain was relieved when, seventeen minutes later, he received a reply:

 _Please could you pick me up? L x_

* * *

 _I'm outside. Would you like me to come up? I x_

Lily picked her phone up with a trembling hand when she heard it vibrate. She was about ready to go, but when she but her boots on, she was suddenly hit with a wave of fear. She could feel her heartbeat increasing, her thoughts racing and her entire body shaking. Logically, she knew it was a panic attack, but that didn't make it any easier to control. As much as she wanted to handle this herself, she knew that she was too far gone. She blinked several times to stop her vision from blurring due to her panicked breathing, bordering on hyperventilation, and typed out a short reply.

 _Yes. Panicking. Need help to calm._

Less than a minute later, she heard loud footsteps racing towards her door. The loud steps only increased her panic, and she was relieved when her phone buzzed again with another text.

 _I'm outside. Send me a reply and I'll knock three times to prove it's me. Iain x_

Lily quickly sent back a blank text and was relieved when three, solid, raps on the door immediately followed. She stumbled over to the door, unlocking the locks as if on autopilot, and pulled the door open to let Iain in, who immediately closed and locked the door behind him.

"Can I hold your hands, Lily?" Iain asked, not wanting to make anything worse.

But Lily knew that physical contact was not something that she could handle right now, and quickly shook her head, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Okay," Iain replied with a soft smile. "That's absolutely fine. Can you make your way over to the sofa?"

Lily nodded, and, with her hands on the wall to both guide her and hold her up, she shuffled slowly towards the living room, Iain staying a couple of steps behind her, but trying to stay within her eye-line at all times. When she lowered herself on to the sofa, he paused, silently waiting for her guidance, and only sitting down when Lily patted the sofa cushion next to her.

"Okay, Lily, I need you to try and slow your breathing for me. You are a doctor, you've had the training. Think about what you would say to a patient having a panic attack. Can you do that? Nice, slow, breaths. In, and out. In, and out."

Lily nodded, closing her eyes tightly. Iain could see her hands trembling, but her breathing gradually evened out. Iain stayed silent, apart from the occasional encouraging words, until she opened her eyes again, eventually nodding her head to signify that she was feeling a bit better.

"Hi," Iain whispered.

"Hey," Lily replied shakily. She slowly lifted her eye line to look directly at Iain, who gave her an encouraging smile.

"How are you doing?" he asked quietly, to which Lily shrugged her shoulders.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to say," Lily said, looking down at her lap. "I had a nightmare, I woke up, went back to sleep until my alarm went off, got dressed, had a panic attack. The rest you know."

"What was the nightmare about?" Iain asked, hoping to encourage Lily to open up to him.

"I think you can guess," she said calmly, the only hint to her emotional turmoil being a slight tremor in her voice. "We need to leave, or we'll be late for work."

Iain sighed, building up to his next question. "Have you considered talking to Mrs Beauchamp? Just to let her know what's going on? That way you'll have leeway if you have days when you can't make it into work, or if you're going to be late."

Immediately, her features hardened. "Absolutely not. I'm fine. Let's go."

* * *

Pulling up into the hospital car park, Iain noted that Lily was still fifteen minutes early for her shift.

"Hey," he said, drawing Lily's attention to him. "I'm sorry if you felt like I was pushing you, regarding Mrs Beauchamp earlier. If you don't want her, or anyone, for that matter, to know, then I will stand by you completely. I just want you to know that you can trust me, and I will not betray your confidence."

Lily was surprised to find that she relaxed slightly when she heard Iain say that. In that instant, she knew that he was right. She could trust him. Slowly, she reached out with her hand to hold his wrist, pulling it gently towards her. She then took her right hand and slowly interlaced her fingers with his. She was reassured when Iain only held her hand as tightly as she held his.

And Iain couldn't help but smile when Lily whispered her response.

"I trust you."

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Just a little filler chapter really to try and move the story forwards a bit. Please review!**


	17. Chapter 17

"Dr Chao. My office."

Lily closed her eyes, drawing in a slow, deep breath before turning around. Connie was stood directly behind her, eyes narrowed, arms folded. She looked like a force to be reckoned with, and Lily just didn't have the energy to deal with her today. So, nodding, she headed silently to the Clinical Lead's office, taking a seat in front of the desk when instructed to do so.

"Is there something I need to be made aware of?"

Lily blinked, not quite able to hide her surprise at how direct Connie was being. She looked at the pillar of strength, sat behind her desk, hands clasped, eyes trained steadily on Lily.

Trying to emulate the calm of the woman sat opposite her, Lily sat up straight, before answering.

"No, Mrs Beauchamp, I'm perfectly fine. Thank you."

Connie narrowed her eyes slightly as she studied the young doctor in front of her.

"Well, Dr Chao, I'm afraid I don't believe you." Connie watched the young woman in front of her chew her bottom lip between her teeth, and softened her tone. "Lily, if there is something you would like to talk to me about, you can. The department needs to run smoothly, and it can't if you are struggling with something that you are not telling me."

Lily sat in silence as she weighed up her options. If she told Connie, what would she do? Worst case scenario, she would force her to talk to the police. Best case scenario, she would discuss it with Charlie, and between them, they would try and persuade her to talk to a shrink. Either way she would be sent home from work until they decided she could come back. Neither option sounded particularly appealing, and that was without considering all the possibilities between the best and worst case scenarios.

"There's nothing to say, Mrs Beauchamp."

Lily waited, holding Connie's gaze. She wouldn't give in. Eventually, Connie nodded, gesturing to her door to signify Lily was dismissed.

* * *

Lily was distracted for the rest of her shift. Thankfully, she was in cubicles today, and so the life and death decisions were not left with her. But she couldn't help but worry when, whilst treating a seven year old who had fallen off the monkey bars, she heard Connie calling Iain into her office.

Wandering over to the central nurse's station, she watched as Iain took the same seat that she had sat in earlier, and words were exchanged before both Iain and Connie looked out the door towards her. Lily immediately averted her eyes, trying to look busy. She didn't dare look up again, instead keeping herself busy until she saw a shadow appear at her side. Looking up, she was only slightly surprised to see Iain stood next to her. Silently, he tilted his head towards the main doors, and, nodding, she followed him out.

* * *

"So, Mrs Beauchamp told me that you had been telling her what was going on with you, and she wanted me to fill in the gaps."

Lily's head whipped up, eyes wide in panic. Her hands gripped on to the bench that they were sat on in an attempt to keep her grounded.

"What? I never told her anything! What exactly did she say? What did you say?"

Seeing her getting worked up, Iain was quick to reassure her. "I didn't say anything, I promise. She said that you and she had a conversation about why you haven't been yourself lately, and that you were uncomfortable talking about it. She said that she felt that it would be easier for you if I told her, so that she could support you without you having to tell her yourself. Personally, I thought it was a bit odd, seeing as you've been so certain that you didn't want her to know, so I was purposely evasive. I told her that I'm not the sort of person who discusses their colleagues behind their backs." Watching Lily continue to gnaw her lip between her teeth, Iain twisted his body so he was fully facing the scared doctor. "I promise you Lily, I didn't even give her the impression that there was anything going on. I would never betray your confidence, and I would never discuss anything without you personally giving me permission. You can trust me; honest."

Iain watched her carefully as she thought all this through, and was relieved when her grip on the bench loosened, and she nodded, muttering a quiet 'thank you'. Smiling, Iain silently held his hand out, palm up, giving Lily the option to hold it. She paused, before slowly extending her hand towards him, lightly running her fingers from the base of his palm to the tips of his fingers before withdrawing and clasping her hands tightly together in her lap.

Iain smiled at her as he saw her mind whirring. "What are you thinking?" he whispered, so as not to startle her.

"Maybe we need a code word."

Frowning, Iain tried to follow her train of thought, but came up empty. "Sorry, Lily, what do you mean?"

"Well, my state of mind is unpredictable at the moment to say the least," Lily explained. "I've been lucky so far that nothing drastic has really happened at work, but I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. Maybe we need some sort of code word, so that if something happens where telling the truth is unavoidable, but I can't face it myself, then I can tell someone to give you a word or phrase. And if they say it, then you know I've given you permission."

Thinking it over, Iain could see how that would work, and it would mean that Lily would feel confident that he wouldn't be tricked into revealing her secret. "That sounds like a good idea," he agreed, nodding his head. "It would need to be something that nobody would be able to guess."

"How about 'pistachios'?" Lily asked, letting out a small laugh.

"Pistachios? Where did you get that from?" Iain asked, smiling when he saw a moment of genuine glee coming from the woman sat in front of him.

"When I was little, they were my favourite food, but I could never remember how to say them. I always used to ask for 'Pinocchios' instead. When I hear the word pistachio now, it makes me laugh."

Iain couldn't help but smile as he pictured a young Lily asking for a Disney character, and getting a bowl of nuts. "Pistachios it is, then!" he confirmed jovially.

At that moment, Iain's radio crackled to life, interrupting the pleasant moment that the couple were in.

"I've got to go," he muttered regretfully, slowly getting to his feet. "I'll text you later?"

"Wait," Lily said suddenly, feeling courageous. "Don't move," she said, waiting for Iain to nod before stepping forward.

Iain watched her she fought an internal battle to get past the hesitation she was obviously feeling. He went to reassure her that she didn't have to anything, but immediately closed his mouth again when she shook her head, a resolute look in her eyes. Slowly, she stepped next to him, and wrapped both her arms around one of his. She hugged his arm, momentarily resting her head on his shoulder. Iain made sure not to move a muscle, instead letting the pride he felt for her flood through his body. She stood there for a couple of seconds, before withdrawing quickly, stepping back and wrapping her arms around her waist, looking down at the floor.

"Okay?" Iain asked her quietly, unsure what emotion was showing on her face.

"I think so," she whispered, before stepping back a few steps, looking behind Iain, eyes wide.

Iain turned around and saw Jez running towards them. Knowing where Lily's mind would immediately be going, he quickly went to stand in front of her, silently letting her know that she was safe. He nodded when Jez panted that they had a call, telling his colleague that he'd be right behind him, and to get the ambulance ready to go.

As Jez ran off again, Iain turned around to check on Lily, relieved when he saw her looking relatively relaxed.

"Hey," Iain said as he started to head off after Jez, "I'm proud of you Lily."

Lily walked back into the ED with her back slightly straighter, and her head slightly higher.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you liked this update! Sorry it's taken so long, I'm struggling to write for these two now that Lily has left, but I don't want to leave the story unfinished! Hope you're all still reading!**


	18. Chapter 18

Later that night, Lily was sat at home when her phone buzzed with a text coming through. Quickly, she grabbed her phone, smiling when she saw Iain's name flash up on the screen.

 _Just checking in, hope you're doing okay, I'm still up if you want to talk. Xx_

Smiling, Lily chewed lightly on her lip as she replied.

 _I'm doing okay, still awake, obviously, but don't want to keep you awake. Are you working tomorrow? X_

The reply from Iain came through almost immediately.

 _I'm not in til noon, so am in no hurry to go to sleep. You? Xx_

Lily paused, considering her options. She could lie, and say she was in early, but then Iain wouldn't reply to her. Sighing, she decided to be honest, and sent the text before she could convince herself not to.

 _I'm in at 2pm; you could come over if you like? X_

She felt the relief fill her body when Iain replied straight away.

 _I'm on my way over. I'll bring snacks. Xx_

* * *

 _I'm outside you door. I'll knock three times. Xx_

As Lily read the text, she heard three sharp knocks on the front door, and was surprised when she didn't feel the sense of dread that was normally present when she heard a loud noise. Trusting Iain's text, she forced herself to fully open the door straight away, enjoying the surprise on Iain's face when she didn't peer through a crack to confirm he was there.

"Hi," she said, gesturing into her living room to invite him in.

"Good evening," Iain replied, holding up two carrier bags. "I bought crisps, chocolates and garlic bread."

Lily let out a small laugh, and reached out for the bags. Hesitantly, she let her hands briefly cover his before she took the snacks off him. She went into the kitchen, putting the oven on for the bread, and grabbed two glasses out of the cupboard.

"I, erm, I don't have anything alcoholic," she muttered, casting her eyes down at the floor.

"That's fine, we both have to work tomorrow," Iain said casually, dismissing it as if it weren't a big deal.

Nodding, Lily grabbed a bottle of diet Pepsi, filling two glasses. She paused before passing one to Iain, and he waited while she looked at him. After a minute or so, he quietly asked if she was okay, to which she let out a loud sigh.

"It's hard to explain," she said, running her hand through her hair.

"Would you like to try?" Iain asked, setting his glass down on the coffee table.

Following his lead, Lily put her glass down too, before turning to face Iain.

"I've been finding recently that I want physical contact with you," she stated. "I don't necessarily mean, you know," she said gesturing between them, "But things like holding hands, and a hug sometimes. But I'm worried I'll panic, or regret it, or lash out, or something else. I don't know. I thought it'd be ages before I'd want something like that, but it's you, you know?"

Iain looked at Lily, seeing the apprehension in her eyes as she stood before him. "You know," he said, "I will never push you to something that you aren't comfortable with. If you want to give me a hug, but don't want me to hug you back, then that's absolutely fine. Alternatively, if you want to tell me where I can put my hands, you can do that too. You are in control here. I am here, for whatever you need."

Nodding, Lily went to say something, pausing when the oven beeped. Acknowledging the smell of the garlic bread, she turned the oven off, taking the bread out, and put it in a bowl, which went on a tray alongside the other snacks.

Together, the pair walked into the living room, where Lily gestured to Iain to sit at one end of the two seater sofa. Sitting down, he watched as she considered her options. Slowly, she sat down next to Iain, and he watched as she assessed her options. She shuffled closer to him, before resting her head on his chest. Iain waited patiently for Lily to relax, and then smiled as she slowly took his hand in hers, and lifted it to place it on her shoulder. He allowed his thumb to gently rub across the top of her shoulder, but was careful to keep the rest of his hand completely relaxed.

They sat there in silence, both deep in their thoughts, and Iain jumped slightly when Lily broke the silence.

"I feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

Iain forced himself not to laugh at the phrase she used. He knew what the phrase 'taking advantage' usually meant in a physical application between two people, and that definitely didn't apply here. Instead, trying to understand her mind set, he asked for clarification, waiting as she mulled over the words in her head, trying to put the right ones in the right order.

"It's just, when you said that you're here for whatever I need, it suddenly sort of hit me. It's almost like I'm using you as some sort of experiment. Like I'm testing my boundaries, but you don't get any say over it. I like you, as in really like you, and I'm worried that you know that and you're letting me do this without actually feeling anything for me."

Iain frowned. "I'm not sure I completely understand Lily. If you're concerned that I'm not comfortable with this, then you don't have to worry. I don't feel uncomfortable around you."

"No, that's not it," Lily replied, moving to sit up, twisting round to face Iain. "I'm worried that you don't feel for me what I feel for you, but because you know how I feel, you're letting me learn to feel comfortable again, but it's all for my benefit, and really all that I'm doing is forcing you to spend all this time with me, when you could be out finding someone who you actually want to be with."

Nodding, Iain acknowledged his understanding.

"Okay," he started, "I think I get it. But the basis of your concern is that I don't feel for you what you feel for me. I do. I really like you. I hope at some point I will be able to hold your hand, or hug you, of whatever. But I am willing to wait, and I am not interested in anyone else; only you."

Lily smiled softly, but bit lightly on her lip, before opening her mouth. Almost as if he knew what she was going to say, Iain intercepted.

"Yes, I am sure. No, I don't want to think about it. Yes, you are absolutely worth it."

"Okay," Lily whispered.

They sat in silence, as Lily thought about what had been said. Slowly, she inched back towards Iain, resting her head on his chest. She concentrated on his chest rhythmically rising and falling, and took his hand in hers, bringing it to rest on her shoulder, leaving their fingers interlaced. She allowed a gentle smile to grace her face as she acknowledged the warmth of his body next to hers, and the comfort of his presence.

Maybe Iain was just what she needed to get out of the abyss that was threatening to consume her life.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry about the long wait between updates. I've been struggling to find inspiration lately, I have been stressed at work, and my depression has decided to repeatedly kick me in the stomach. Thank God for alcohol, that's all I will say. So I'm not sure when I'll next update, but hopefully it won't be as long as this time.**


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